Your heart feels like it's about to beat out of your chest. You feel like you will pass out if you're in the situation a minute longer. You say things you may not have completely thought about just so people think your with them. Sweaty palms, nervousness, feeling like you'll vomit. Your stomachs so knotted it hurts.
Que the internal monologue: "It's JUST a panic attack right? Eh, I'll be fine, everyone has them right?.... right.. no she's fine *quickly scan the room* they're all fine.. better try to concentrate on your group of laughing friends.. am I the only one about to break down? Yep. Great. Hold it in. Don't be a freak. You're so weird. How do you even have friends? They probably don't even like you,and you know they are judging you, they just pity you.. like everyone else. You're alone. Breathe."
You've just read what goes through my mind every time I'm in a social setting. This is my most intense form of anxiety. Social phobia. I've been this way since as long as I can remember. There are very few people I'm actually really comfortable around and I still am constantly feeling like I'm not good enough, that even though I think the.highest of them, they secretly hate me and wish I wasn't around them. Which in turn causes more self doubt and anxiousness.
In one of my beginning posts I explained how I am a "wall flower" and if I seem like I'm being rude I'm not, it's just me being shy.. well thats only like 1/3 truth. It's most likely the above thoughts are screaming in my head. I spend a lot of time there, in my head. It's a place I like to escape. I'm the only one who can hurt me there, and it hurts a lot less than if someone else were to hurt me.
I don't want to sound whiney like "woah is me, my life was so bad!" Honestly, it wasn't.. physically. I was a healthy kid, as far as I can remember I never went hungry. There was always a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. I did however suffer a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. I was always told I'd never be anything, I wasn't good enough. Belittled, made to feel like I was nothing... which is what happened. I'm not going to say who said these things, its in the past. I've forgiven them, like Jesus tells us to. But those wounds are still too deep. They still affect my selfworth daily.
I try to personify a happy person. It's not me being fake. Those joyous moments I share with all of you are real. They are the best things in my life, my children truly are the best parts of me.
Out of respect for me, if you see me, don't bring this up. Don't ask me if you're one of the people I'm comfortable around. I will dive head first into a panic attack.
I can relate to Frozen's Elsa a lot.
"Conceal, don't feel.
Don't let them know.
Make one wrong move,
and everyone will know."
I didn't post this so people can roll their eyes and think "yeah whatever" it's inevitable. That's okay. I made this post so if anyone out.there feels these same things, they know they aren't alone. This post is a genuine one, it's 100% me. If you have these feelings and experiences and need to get it off your chest, I'm here. Message me on Facebook, email me, text me. To me, the written word comes so much easier to me.
Thank you all for reading.
Stay Sassy,
Casey
